I miss my Maisy.
My partner in crime. My little mate. My helper. My co-pilot.
I know how odd this statement sounds considering she is still very much here. But I do.
It’s becoming increasingly obvious that I’m struggling to adjust to my biggest girl starting full time school. And can I just say, I NEVER (in capitals) imagined feeling this way. Never mind admitting it out loud. To the world.
But I do.
It became ever clearer to me why I am perhaps struggling to adjust, when one rainy afternoon I found myself knee deep in her out grown clothes. Crying big fat, ugly tears. I sat that day in the middle of our bedroom floor with a feeling of what can only be described as total devastation (Ok, ok. Im bordering on drama queen).
In simple terms. I felt a huge sadness. And here’s some reasons why…
Every top, pair of jeans or dress had a memory attached. Every coat or jumper I laid eyes on, I saw Maisy at 1 or 18 months or 2. Memories of when it was just us three. Memories of a life full of ignorance, when sometimes days with one child felt overwhelming but would nowadays be a walk in the park.
Those times which looking back I didn’t appreciate enough.
The child just never slept. We were so exhausted we could barely see straight. I was in a constant state of fog. She would wake up so much through the night, her carpet became a makeshift bed. It was cold and uncomfortable. And I was miserable. And exhausted.
And daddy L. He was there with me. Getting small bouts of sleep before heading out at the crack of dawn to work a long day! (he may or may not have paid me to say that!) 🙂
Maisy has always been outdoorsy so I would drag us out to the park or soft play. To meet our friends, or for long walks. When all I really wanted to do was pull a blanket over my head and sleep for a 100 years.
I’m glad I didn’t. Because now she’s a big girl and school has stolen her five days a week. And I miss those weekdays we had, with daddy L at work. Just me and her. I miss baby Maisy, toddler Maisy. I even miss THREEnager Maisy!! But now I appreciate every minute of those memories.
It wasn’t so hard.
It wasn’t all sentiment that caught me off guard. Those memories I have of Maisy. Well she’s walking in those clothes. In fact she’s running. She’s shoving cake into her mouth and dancing. She talking in those clothes, she’s singing.
Don’t get me wrong, I know Dixie isn’t going to be like Maisy. I know they are individuals in their own right. But it hurts to see how far Dixie is falling behind her peers. And as she gets older the gap becomes ever wider. Life is much easier when I don’t compare. And as a rule I don’t. Sometimes the memories come back and It happens without me realising. This was definitely one of those times.
And thats not all. I feel like I’ve lost my little Wednesday to Friday motivator. My friend the chatterbox. The little ball of energy that starts every morning with the sentence ‘what are we doing today?’ before I’ve even pulled off the covers. Whilst daddy L was at work, she got Dixie and I to the park. To meet friends. To go shopping or feed the ducks.
Although I love mummy & Dixie time. It’s wonderful. It can be lonely some days. And sometimes our time when it isn’t dominated by appointments can be quiet. A little too quiet.
But I know that I will adjust. And my biggest girl will grow up into an amazing and compassionate little lady. I know she will. And her teachers think so too.
And I hope she knows how proud I am of her. How well adjusted she is despite all she’s had to go through this past year. I don’t even feel like I can take credit for it. She has made me ever stronger. I know in the hard times with her by my side, Daddy L holding my hand and Dixie doo in my arms, I can do anything.
I miss my family of three but I LOVE & CHERISH my family of four x x