Last night I began the long and tiresome task of wrapping the girls ‘santa’ presents.
Only this year it doesn’t feel tiresome. This year it actually feels pretty wonderful.
We have done the usual of starting to buy in early November, then buying more again early December. Then a panic buy mid December in case we hadn’t got enough.
We had enough. We had plenty. In fact, we have plenty X5!!!!
And I was struck by how ‘normal’ it all seemed. To be getting excited about pulling out Dixie’s toys that I’d forgotten we’d bought, and thinking how much I couldn’t wait for her to open them. To see if we’d found anything amongst the pile that she would enjoy and examine.
It mostly struck me because this time last year those feelings were missing. There was no real excitement. I hadn’t worked out what she needed. I hadn’t put much thought into what to buy if I’m honest.
After all did it matter? I had just been told devastating news back then that had meant she was no where near her real age.
In fact, I remember when we were asked what Dixie would like I just dismissed people. I told them not to bother. Mostly because I didn’t know what to tell them to buy. I didn’t know what she liked or didn’t. There was no preference at all. She was 6 months old going on 3 months.
I was still angry then, although I didn’t realise it at the time. I was so busy grieving for the child I had expected that walking the aisles of the toy shops was yet another reminder that my child was different.
And I had been full of self pity. Full to the brim. Woe is me, why us etc etc…
This year. I’m a different me. The self pity has all but gone, and I hope it stays that way.
Now I realise I was expecting far too much from her. Yes she was delayed but even if she hadn’t been, what six month old would have understood Christmas?
This Christmas however, oh my. I could list a million things she would love. A packet of wipes, some paper to rip, a sleeve or a slipper. Maybe an empty yoghurt pot or a balloon..!! 🙂 🙂
Seriously though, her play therapist gave me pointers on what her next development stage would benefit from and we went overkill. And it was such a pleasure looking for those things.
I feel like I have some things to make up for this year. I know she won’t remember, but I do. I want her to know I’m sorry more than anything.
This year will be a million times better. Santa will be coming to our house in serious style. And not just on the gift side of things, I feel content. I feel lucky and blessed. I feel thankful we are all healthy and we are all together. Who could want for more?!
And I can’t wait to see her sitting in her chair, belly laughing at the sound of ripping paper. Helping rip that paper too. Working out her new toys. Smiling as Maisy bounces off the walls in excitement.
And as its Christmas and it’s the rules to have a chocolate breakfast, I will be melting some for her to have too.
I can’t wait to make more memories to cherish!
So from us to you….Merry Christmas and thank you for being a part of our journey 💗💗