A wobble day!

 

I was having an ’emotional’ wobble day today.

You know the kind. When you worry you’re not doing something right. That you must be failing because nothing is coming together.

I was singing the same old nursery rhymes, doing the same actions. Asking Dixie the same old questions. Are you clapping Dixie? Where’s your nose? Can you poke out your tongue? Look at mummy banging on the tray. Can you? 

Nothing but blank stares or a soft smile. No copying with the claps or the banging of the tray. And that is her usual response. On my wobble days I find it hard!

Nevertheless I pushed it down deep and carried on.

We moved onto some floor time. Some sitting. Only today that resulted in Dixie forcing herself backwards. Again.

I tried several more times. With her favourite toys, me sitting behind her, her sitting against the sofa. Every time she forced herself backward. Something  I thought we’d got past.

Onto tummy time. I was already prepared for the frustration and tears as we’ve had it for the past year. Only this time she was immediately pushing herself onto her side to roll back. Tummy time failure. We repeated but it happened again. We gave up.

A few minutes rest and we attempted some supported standing. Only her knees didn’t  want to straighten. She bounced happily up and down but refused to bear any weight at all. 

Nevertheless I pushed it down deep and carried on.

I decided to have a change of scenery and moved her into the kitchen in her super duper chair. I gave her some dissolvable corn snacks to practise hand to mouth and chewing. 

She moved to pick up the snack and recoiled. She pulled her hand back and rapidly blinked her eyes. I know those signs. She wasn’t happy with the sensation of touching the snack. I didn’t get it. She’s done great with these before. I tried again. Same thing happened. She wouldn’t even pick it up. 

I wanted to push it down deep and carry on but instead out slipped a tear. 

It suddenly all felt pointless. I didn’t see any progress in that moment. I just saw regression. 

On my wobble days, I feel that we’re being left far far behind. I can see the progress of other children but things go so slowly in our little world. 

I want to be the one to tell the world about a huge milestone, or even a small stepping stone. It makes me wonder sometimes whether it’s me. Am I doing something wrong.

She conquers. She regresses back. That’s our cycle.

On my wobble days I feel cheated. Cheated that I’ve already seen her sit unassisted only now she won’t. I’ve felt her bear weight. And once. Just once. She poked her tongue between her teeth very slightly when I poked out mine.

Those moments were amazing. They made all the stress, the struggle, the time and the disappointments absolutely worth it.

And then days like today happen and all those happy thoughts and aspirations for the future crumble. 

These are the hard days of being a mummy of a special unique little lady. The ones that I’m sure someone else could do a better job.

I’m supposed to be a warrior mum. A dragon mamma; the one building her up. Making her feel she can do it. Who else will do that for her?

On my wobble days, I’m the mummy who feels like giving up. Who looks at the big picture and feels so overwhelmed. Who wonders again why this happened to our family. To our little girl. 

The day couldn’t be rescued so we sat and cuddled for as long as she would allow, and I let tears flow. I gave her a silent promise that I wasn’t giving up and tomorrow was a new day. That I was sorry if I wasn’t doing things the right way.

And I would do better.

I moved her to her napping cushion beside me and found something to occupy my mind till she fell asleep.

Then something took me by total surprise. Movement caught my eye. Dixie. Sitting up. By herself. Having pulled herself up off her napping cushion. And now she was grabbing at the toggle thread hanging from the hood of my jumper. She was trying to put it in her mouth. 

Maybe the day could be rescued after all. 

Such a small thing to most but to me. Well it just turned my day around. And that fire in my belly came back. 

I felt renewed. And after she napped, we tried all over again! 

 

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2 comments

  1. Pat Young · February 16, 2016

    Love reading your blog. You are so honest about how you feel and that’s not easy. Keep up your writing and all the good work you do with and for Dixie.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Steve Cripwell · February 17, 2016

    Reblogged this on My Write and commented:
    Another blog from my brave and wonderful daughter

    Liked by 1 person

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