We had a cardiology review for Dixie. Which was odd in itself as we weren’t due to be seen till May!
Anyhoo, so off we go. Daddy L is in tow as its a Saturday appointment!
We have the usual chat with the lovely cardiologist. She looks at Dixie’s last few weights and I explain the recent weight loss was down to a bout of illness.
She asks the usual questions. Is she breathless? Does she sweat profusely? We shake our heads. So far so good.
She performs the echo and manages to get some pretty decent pictures of Dixie’s heart. I’m feeling nervous as always. Then she finishes up.
‘The heart is still the same’ she says and inside I breathe a sigh of relief. Phew. As much as I hate limbo land, I’m comfortable living there when it comes to her heart.
We talk some more. She shows us the pictures and explains what we are looking at. The left side is still having to work harder and as a result is still enlarged. The hole although small is having a moderate amount of blood flow going through it.
Then she kind of drops a bombshell. Although not really a bombshell, but I’m still taken off guard since we’ve been having conversations like this since Dixie was 6 weeks old.
Only today’s conversation went a little differently.
‘I think it’s time to start thinking about closing the hole….surgically’ she says.
Open heart surgery. Open. Heart. Surgery.
I’m nodding my head but I’m just letting the words sink in. I look across at daddy L and he’s nodding his head too.
She’s still talking, I’m still listening. And I agree with everything she is saying.
How many times can we keep going back, having the same conversations, seeing the same little heart working too hard?
How many times do we need to wonder how much this little overworked heart is impacting her life? Burning up her calories? Taking her energy?
The thing is. We will never know until her heart is fixed. And it’s trying so hard to fix itself. But it’s just not able to do it by itself.
So we agree.
Hours later I lay there feeling like it had all just been a dream. The idea that my precious baby girl could be back in hospital having operation number 2. It’s terrifying.
I’m stuck again between ‘why her?’ And ‘pull yourself together woman’!! It’s a place I visit often.
I hate it.
I’m relieved the appointment landed on a Saturday. I’m relieved Daddy L came along with his man logic of ‘a heart without a hole is better than one with a hole isn’t it?’ Surgery for him is a no brainer.
But I’m the momma bear. I worry about the risks. I worry we will put her through a big operation and that it won’t make any difference to her life.
I worry about the practicalities of a hospital stay. The loneliness of it. I worry about being away from Maisy. About Dixie’s recovery.
I just worry.
But then again. How much is her heart holding her back from having the best and most fulfilling life? Now the subject has been broached and the recommendations have been made…
I need to know the answer to that.
So I’m scared, but I trust her doctor. And when her heart pictures make it to a meeting of surgeons and other cardiologists, I also trust that they will have Dixie’s best interests when they decide for sure that surgery is what is best.
It could change her life.
With that in mind, what choice is it really??
And so until then. We wait.