I tend to have a renewed sense of purpose moving into a new year. A clean slate. I’m usually full of fresh hope and big dreams.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad to say goodbye to last year. It was utter pants. It felt like a year of limbo. We didn’t plan. We didn’t relax. We had Dixie’s heart operation hanging over us for 8 of those months!
But the year ahead is a year of change for our family. And I’m not good with change.
I started thinking about it earlier this week after a catch up session with our portage worker. We only have a couple of months left with her before we start winding down our sessions and saying goodbye. Then we will be passed over to another educational team instead, ready for when Dixie starts school in September 2018. AKA next flipping year 😱
You see in five short months Dixie will turn 3. And with that we will say goodbye to Portage & our lovely Portage worker. A lady who has spent the last 18 months with our family, bringing her warmth and enthusiasm. Keeping us motivated.
I don’t want to say goodbye to her.
And along with turning 3, we will also say goodbye to Hawthorn. That place has been in our life since Dixie was 4 months old. I’m not sure I know how to do this without it.
Hawthorn has been my backbone. My strength when I’ve felt low. And soon it will be no more for us. Even now as the weeks pass, more of our little Tuesday group are moving on. I don’t want to do this journey alone again.
I don’t want to say goodbye to it.
And the more I think about her turning 3, the more things come to mind.
She’s no where near walking! Nor standing or crawling. As she is getting older, she’s getting heavier and relies on me completely to move her around!
My neck and shoulders are already starting to feel it. How long can I carry her before the pain or damage to me becomes permanent?
What happens when she outgrows her pushchair??
And she still has no words. She’s becoming increasingly frustrated that she’s unable to communicate. And so are we. How much easier it would be for her to tell us how she’s feels or what she wants!
I find it exhausting.
2 years and seven months. Day in day out, moving her from room to room. From one position to the next. Trying so desperately to understand what she wants or consoling her when I don’t know what’s wrong.
And on and on my worries continue….
Now some of you might read this and think I should thank my lucky stars that Dixie is even here. That she has gone through major surgery twice in her short life and yet continued to show her strength.
And yes I am thankful. And my girl really is what keeps us strong as a family. She’s so resilient and just takes whatever life has to throw at her. But I still can’t help that sadness sneak in. That wonder of what she would be like today if not for that extra chromosome!
I wonder how it would feel to be just another mummy. Instead of being a carer.
But above and beyond any of that, I want the best for her and seeing her grow in size but not development is becoming harder each month that rolls by.
I know underneath my uncertainty about this coming year, and the sadness that occasionally punches me in the chest, that we will be alright.
Maybe these changes will lead us onto a path for something else. Whatever happens or where we go, we will still continue on. One foot in front of the other.
She’s my fighter. Now I need to be hers.